Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
